The Endless Cycle Of Giving Up

It’s hard to put your experiences out there for the world to see and judge.

Sometimes, after I have almost finished writing a post of mine, I can’t help, but stop and take a look at what I have written. And after rereading a paragraph or two for who knows how many times, I think about what my parents or family members would say if they were to somehow come across what I had written. And out of this irrational fear that any of them would find my blog in this empty and lonely space of the internet, I start to delete truthful passages and rearrange my thoughts so that they don’t sound too depressing. And with all these changes to my story, my life suddenly becomes flooded with fake memories and arbitrary emotions that were written and put into a specific place in my post so that my family could be protected from reading about my reality.

And the truth behind these stories no longer make sense to me. And the motivation to write about my experiences fades away to the point where I am no longer interested in writing about them. And I start to give up.

And I put away my laptop and go back to not discussing any of my experiences with anyone. And for a while, the comfort of not being burdened with spending hours upon hours writing and editing stories takes over. And I can’t help, but smile.

But I know this feeling will not last long. And before I know it, my shift in perspective changes.

I go online and a story of someone who has gone through similar experiences as myself catches my interests and provides me with some much-needed inspiration. And I begin to think of all these different ideas and concepts for posts that I could write. And they start to race in my head and bump into each other almost as if they were all competing against each other.

And I begin to tell myself that writing about my dyslexia, my brother, my drinking problem, or my meaningful friendships are interesting topics that are worth putting online for others to possibly relate to when they are done reading my posts.

And an outline of all these posts begin to form in my mind.

And then I start to type. Playing music that triggers my depression or anxiety and puts me in the right state of mind for the post that I am creating.

And my mind forgets about everything around me. The people walking in and out of the coffee shop, the elderly lady next to me, and the group of business men greeting each other two tables away from me don’t concern me. And I get lost in the world in my own little world.

Hours go by.

And I pour my heart into my writing. The best that a non-English major with a degree in Psychology can write. Informal writings from a twenty something year old that will hardly be noticed.

And as I am almost finished writing my post, I stop and I edit.

And I can’t help but feel how hard it is to put my experiences out there for the world to read and judge.

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The Endless Cycle Of Overthinking

I can’t seem to make the right decisions. Well…at least not as fast I want to make them
 
Seriously.
I can walk into a convenience store with the intent of making a purchase, spend thirty minutes comparing two different products, place each of them back on the counter, and then walk out of the store without buying anything because I couldn’t make a final decision.
 
And it’s not like I haven’t tried to change my way of doing things.
 
I have tried repeating phrases such as:
Go for it. Do it.
Don’t overthink things.
Just choose!
Only to abandon everything and pick the option of no choice.
 
That’s been the story of my life for years
To over complicate things to the point where nothing gets done.
 
It’s a viciously draining cycle.
 
But as strange as it may sound, I have somehow been able to manage my life accordingly.
 
And how, you may ask? Well…it’s quite simple.
 
I give myself extra time to overthink.
 
If for example, I am having difficulty picking between writing a post on my anxieties or my self-loathing, I purposely give myself an extra day to select between my options, knowing well that I will probably settle on writing a post about the ways in which I contradict myself.
 
It’s honestly quite a fascinating process to witness.
 
And it’s not as if knowing about how I overthinking everything makes the process easier.
In fact, it seems to make things more intense during the moment.
 
I don’t really know how to explain it.
 
But the best way to describe my overthinking is to visualize yourself wearing headphones with the volume turned on high and then you suddenly hear the song that makes your heart race and it gets put on repeat for an unknown amount of time.
 
You may want to sing along. You may want to break out and dance. But you can’t. Because then others will look at you weirdly. So you have to restrain yourself. And you sit or stand still while all these background noises surround you. And people go on about their daily routine.
 
And you’re there. Trying your best to block out the noise that others can’t hear.
 
Over and over again.
For the small decisions and the big ones.
I can’t keep track of all the time that I lost engaging in this process.
But now I have simply learned to enjoy the music and hope for the best.
 
So when you walk into a store and see someone holding and looking at two different shampoos and they’re still comparing the two when you’re walking out of the store, don’t judge them.
 
Simply walk past and enjoy your day.

If you like what you see, feel free to make a donation to my Paypal. Any amount would be appreciated. Thank you.